Perfect Love Confounded Out of Hand
by Beatrix Bloxam
Summary: Sometimes love isn't worth the risk. That's what James tells Lily, but is it the truth? Depressing relationship stuff.
1. Default Chapter

REALLY sad fic about Lily and James and the fears of Voldemort. Happy ending, not to worry. One-shot, two chapters, short, blah blah blah. Enjoy  
  
-Trinity  
  
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Lily looked up, startled, from her book. Someone was at the door. With a sigh, she rose from her chair, where she had been curled up with her book for nearly an hour. She wondered who this could be- probably a friend of her parents who felt it necessary to stop by without calling first, and who couldn't figure out that the absence of a car meant that they were not home.  
  
She had been home only a month, and yet she was as frustrated as if she had lived at home the last seven years. Her parents weren't used to having her around, and therefore made every effort to spend as much time with her as possible, which eliminated any freedom she might have possessed. And while she was perfectly able and allowed to do magic, it unsettled her parents, and so she didn't, which made for a miserable muggle existence. And now... ugh. She briefly considered not answering the door, but it was quite clear that there was someone home- she'd stupidly left all the lights on. She really had no choice.  
  
Dropping her book into her now vacant chair, Lily padded down the hardwood hallway, her bare feet making soft slapping sounds as she walked. She wrapped her sweatshirt clad arms around her shoulders, making a mental note to turn up the heat as soon as she had dispatched with this unwanted visitor. Her sweatpants dragged slightly at her heel, and Lily subconsciously pulled the bottoms out from under her heels at the thigh- the bottoms were already ragged enough. With another sigh, Lily took a breath and opened the door, where she was met with a surprise.  
  
"Wha- James?" she asked, disbelieving the sight on her doorstep. His face lit up, although his mouth remained solemn. His hair was ruffled, as always, and his eyes looked tired behind his glasses. "What are you doing here?" she questioned, confused as to why he was nearly 200 miles from his home. And on her doorstep.  
  
"I needed to see you- talk to you," James replied simply, looking tired. Lily gaped for a moment before stepping aside.  
  
"Well... come in," she replied finally. James nodded, looking down as he entered. Lily watched, confused, as he walked to the hallway and paused, not turning around, but clearly waiting for her. Worriedly, Lily closed the door and latched it before turning to follow James. "It's great to see you," she broke the silence, coming up behind him and wrapping her arms around him. He remained stiff, and Lily quickly released him. "Why are you here?" she demanded, suddenly realizing how serious James was.  
  
"We need to talk," he repeated simply, and Lily felt the bottom of her stomach drop out. It must be something horrible, for him to come all this way, and to be so serious.  
  
"Alright," Lily replied softly, sliding past him to lead him into the living room. She dropped heavily onto the sofa, waiting for him to join her. Instead, James sat in the chair she had occupied earlier. Lily bit back any thoughts she had on his actions and simply waiting for him to speak. James kept his gaze focused down, away from her, for a long moment before speaking again.  
  
"I... I, um, got a letter a couple of days ago," he started stiffly. He made to take something out of his pocket- the letter, undoubtedly- but thought better and dropped his hand again.  
  
"What is it?" Lily inquired worriedly. It must be something horrible for him to be acting like this...  
  
"I, um, I've been accepted into the Auror program, and... I'm going to start training in a couple of weeks," he replied without emotion. Lily gaped for a moment before leaping up.  
  
"But James, that's wonderful!" she exclaimed, smiling broadly as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, kissing the top of his head. He remained unresponsive, however, and Lily immediately let go, sitting back down on the sofa. What was wrong with him? Why was he repelling her like this? Lily felt like crying, but forced herself to keep in control- at least until he'd finished. "Isn't it?" she added, breaking the silence.  
  
"Yes, it is," James agreed, determinedly looking away from her.  
  
"It's what you wanted," Lily added, searching his eyes for a reason why he was rejecting her, which was hard to do when he wouldn't look at her.  
  
"Yes. But... things need to change," he replied cryptically.  
  
"What things?" Lily demanded immediately. This was clearly what was bothering him, and she was anxious to hear what it was. James coughed and shifted in the chair, folding his hands and staring at them.  
  
"I've been thinking about this since I received the letter- the last two days," he began evenly, his face expressionless. "And this is the best- the only- way," he continued, staring with intense concentration at his hands. Lily suddenly felt very cold and alone, and hugged herself, dreading what he was about to say, even though she hadn't any idea what was coming. "As an auror, my life will be in a... in an incredible amount of danger. And... that is a risk I accept, willingly. I willingly sacrifice myself to this cause. But... by being involved, I involve those I associate with. And... I endanger them, as well." Lily suddenly realized where this conversation was headed, and held up a hand as she protested loudly.  
  
"James, I wanted this for you. And I willingly endanger myself, as w-" Before Lily could finish her sentence, James had continued, more loudly and more vehemently.  
  
"-And I do not- I refuse to endanger you, Lily. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to me." He paused, and Lily found she had no words to argue with. "So... I think it best if we... part ways, at this point." Lily suddenly found the words, and began arguing vehemently.  
  
"James, no! I am not going to desert you simply because-" James cut in, completely ignoring Lily's words.  
  
"This decision is not one I reached easily, but it was made easier-"  
  
"-we are going to be endangered by a common threat! My life-"  
  
"-by the fact that there are many... reasons why this should happen, why we should-"  
  
"-is in danger anyway, if only because of my ties to Dumbledore, never mind- "  
  
"-part ways at this time. You see, Lily, I've found that in the past months, I have lost some of the-"  
  
"-that I am muggle-born, and I refuse to assist anyone in Voldemort's league! My actions and opinions alone-"  
  
"-emotions that I felt for you, and it's certainly not fair to either of us to-"  
  
"-are more than enough to endanger me!" Lily fell silent just in time to hear James' final argument.  
  
"-remain in a relationship that my heart is not in." Lily froze, struck into silence by James' words. Had he... had he just said that he... his heart wasn't in it? Did he... did he...  
  
"Do you not love me anymore, James?" Lily whispered, eyes wide in shock and disbelief. They had been so happy, so perfect... head boy and girl, the longest lasting couple at Hogwarts, the... they were... no!  
  
"I'm sorry Lily... but that is correct," James replied, his voice devoid of emotion or any sorrow whatsoever. His gaze remained focused on his hands, and his face was as expressionless as his voice. Lily stared, dumbfounded, at the face she knew so well. But this... this was not the same boy, the same man she knew. This was... a horrible, horrible nightmare.  
  
"But... but... James!" Lily whispered, her eyes welling up. "I don't... I don't... I don't believe you," she stammered finally. James' eyebrows rose, but his gaze remained steadfast on his hands. "I don't believe you," she repeated, firmly, the tears in her eyes not breaking free. "You can't even look me in the eye when you tell me that. You... you're just making that up, so you can use it as an excuse to... to put me out of danger, or so you think. You... you don't really feel that way," she finished, crossing her arms determinedly. He was... ugh! He was lying, she knew it.  
  
"I... I'm sorry Lily, but I'm not. I wish... I wish you were right, but... I don't," James replied stiffly, his face set in an expression of concentration. Lily glared at him, arms crossed.  
  
"You can't even look me in the eye," she repeated, staring intently at him. Slowly, James closed his eyes, and turned his head. When he opened his eyes again, he was staring straight at her, straight into her eyes.  
  
"I am very sorry, Lily," he said stiffly, holding her gaze. "But I do not love you anymore." Lily's jaw dropped, and she stared uncomprehendingly at James. They sat in silence for a long moment, during which the tears in Lily's eyes began to trickle out.  
  
"But... but..." she whispered, incapable of responding.  
  
"I do not feel the same way about you," James said firmly, emphasizing, clarifying, so that there may not be any mistake. "I am not in love with you any longer." Lily couldn't believe James- HER James, the James she loved more than... more than anything- was saying this to her. Her tears spilled over, dousing her cheeks with salty tears, and she led out a gut- wrenching sob. With wavering hands, she covered her face, burying her tear- streaked expression from James, from the world. She sobbed, shaking with misery, for barely a minute, alone. She slowly lowered a hand, daring a look at James. The chair was empty- he was gone. The sound of a motorcycle echoed from somewhere above her, and then she was alone- completely alone.  
  
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James determinedly bit his lip, concentrating all his thoughts and energy into flying Sirius' motorcycle. Confounded contraption, he thought miserably. Leave it to Sirius to own something as ridiculous as a flying motorcycle. And not even have an invisibility charm on it! James glanced down and recognized the lights of London. He pulled the motorcycle into a dive, the engine humming with the change of direction. After several minutes of descent, James landed smoothly in his backyard- the backyard of his new house, one that Lily had never seen. James bit his lip, shoving any thought of Lily from his mind.  
  
He rolled the motorcycle into the garage and, after closing the garage, entered his silent house. He waved his wand, and several lights came on, illuminating his spotless kitchen and the adjoining hallway. James continued through the kitchen into the living room, and waved his wand again. Another light came on, revealing a figure seated on his couch. James jumped visibly, but let out a relived breath as the figure rose and gazed at him.  
  
"Merlin, Padfoot, what are you doing here? You nearly gave me a heart attack," James scolded, running a hand through his very messy hair. Sirius didn't respond, but simply stared piercingly at James. "What?" James demanded after a moment of uncomfortable silence, glancing at Sirius out of the corner of his eye as he cleaned his glasses on his robes.  
  
"Where were you?" Sirius questioned intently. James shook his head, suddenly knowing what was coming, and concentrated on his glasses. "Hm?" Sirius demanded, leaning in closer to James. "You went and saw Lily, didn't you?" James winced at her name, but remained silent. Sirius folded his arms, openly scowling at James. "What did you do, Prongs? What the hell did you do?" James bit his lip as hard as he could, willing himself to be strong as he replaced his glasses on his nose. He felt weak, and slowly sat down on the couch. He couldn't stand Sirius' interrogation now- he needed to be alone, to sleep, to... to otherwise occupy himself. "You didn't. Please tell me you didn't," Sirius murmured, sitting beside James. "Prongs, you didn't. No." James felt his control slipping, and he pressed a hand to his temple.  
  
"No, what?" he inquired simply, not looking at his best friend. Sirius sighed heavily, covering his eyes with a hand.  
  
"Tell me you didn't break up with her, James," Sirius said forcefully, and James was surprised to hear his name from his best friend's mouth. "Please tell me you... you weren't that stupid." James jerked up, glaring at Sirius.  
  
"How was that stupid, Padfoot? If I did, how is that stupid?" he demanded, eyes flashing. Now was not the time to have this discussion. Sirius glared back intently.  
  
"Because you love her, Prongs. You LOVE her. But you did. And... ugh!" Sirius concluded, throwing his hands up in frustration. James bit his lip, determined to win this battle, even if it did come at the worst possible time.  
  
"I did love her. I don't anymore. I... I stopped loving her," he replied firmly, staring at Sirius, who wasn't looking back. Sirius let out a sound of disgust instead, shaking his head at the floor. "What?" James demanded. Sirius' head snapped up, and he glared at James with such intensity that James felt like moving away.  
  
"You stopped? Is that right? When did this happen, hm? You were madly- MADLY- in love with her, oh, I don't know... TWO DAYS AGO!" Sirius replied angrily, jumping to his feet and outright yelling as he finished. "In fact, you were obsessed with her until you got that... that..." Sirius stammered for a moment before diving into James' cloak and pulling out a letter. "...until you got THIS!" Sirius exclaimed, waving the letter about. "And, for the life of me, I don't understand why this changed anything!" James, who had been sitting miserably for Sirius' rant, suddenly jumped up.  
  
"I am not going to have her die for me, Sirius! I am not going to see her die because I loved her!" James yelled, face red. Sirius glared back in silence for a moment, analyzing James' expression.  
  
"So you would rather break her heart." James set his jaw firmly.  
  
"Than die? Yes, I would rather break her heart," he replied determinedly.  
  
"No," Sirius replied, shaking his head. "Not would you rather break her heart than have her die- would you rather break her heart and make both your lives miserable than live HAPPILY EVER FUCKING AFTER?!" Sirius demanded, screaming at the top of his lungs and stabbing James with his finger. James gritted his teeth and simply glared at Sirius.  
  
"We couldn't. It couldn't happen. She... I... one of us would die, and chances are, it would be her, because of me!" James replied determinedly, crossing his arms.  
  
"You don't know that," Sirius replied firmly. James shrugged.  
  
"But I don't want to take that chance."  
  
"You don't want to give it a chance!" Sirius replied angrily. "God Damnit, James, you have something! You have something the rest of us only dream about- something I can only dream about! And yet you throw it away because... because you're afraid! If you weren't my best friend, I would punch you! I would knock you out, knock some sense into you! As it is, I really want to!" Sirius exclaimed, staring at James intently. "But I know it wouldn't do any good- so I'm trying to talk some sense into you!" James set his jaw firmly before replying.  
  
"I'd appreciate that if I had lost the sense in the FIRST place," he replied, deathly calm. "But right now, I do not need you spouting BULLSHIT about true love or some crap, because this is the REAL world, Sirius- this isn't some fairy tale about a mad muggle or something, this is IT, and I really wish you could figure that out! I wish you could wake up and figure that out! Because in the real world, Padfoot, shit happens, and it happens a lot. And it doesn't matter two knuts if someone's heart breaks, because IT HAPPENS. People die, true love dies, and people have to be realistic! And, let's face it, Lily and I could never live 'happily ever fucking after,' as you put it, because this is the real world, and it simply DOES NOT HAPPEN," James concluded angrily.  
  
"Because you won't let it," Sirius replied coolly, doing his best to ignore all the insults James just threw.  
  
"Do NOT give me that bullshit, Sirius! It won't happen because it WON'T HAPPEN, not because I'm afraid, or I fucked it up, or I-" James' rant came to an abrupt halt as Sirius punched him squarely in the face, and James fell loudly to the floor, unconscious.  
  
"Damn it, Prongs, why are you such a jerk sometimes?" Sirius asked softly, rubbing his fist painfully. He sighed, tossed a blanket from the couch over James' unconscious body, and disappeared into the dining room.  
  
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	2. Can We Fix This?

Chapter two! Thanks in advance for replying ;)  
  
-Trinity  
  
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Lily was happy her parents weren't home- nearly an hour later, and she was still bawling her eyes out. Why had he... how could he... Lily couldn't even think about it without sobbing uncontrollably. He... he... she broke into a fresh set of sobs, burying her face back in her hands. Suddenly, a *pop* sounded from the fireplace, and she looked up, surprised.  
  
"Sirius?" she asked, tears running down her cheeks and making the image of Sirius' head sitting in the fire very fuzzy and hard to make out. He had an expression of deep sympathy, and his eyes conveyed his worry.  
  
"Hey, Lils," he replied, a small smile crossing his lips that didn't quite reach his eyes. "I'm... I'm really sorry about James." Lily nodded, forcing down a new urge to start sobbing again. "But... Lily, he was lying. He...he's been in love with you for so long, and I know he still is." Lily froze at these words, trying to make sense of them. After a long moment, she shook her head, wiping away the tears on her cheeks.  
  
"No, Sirius, but thank you... he told me quite clearly... how he feels," she replied shakily, wiping her eyes as they began to well up again. Sirius looked miserably at her before shaking his head again.  
  
"No, Lily. He told me the same thing- but he's just so afraid of losing you that he's willing to ruin his own life to save yours."  
  
"You talked to him?" Lily sniffed, gazing intently at the head sitting in her fireplace. Sirius nodded.  
  
"Yeah. I think... I got some sense into him," Sirius replied, his eyes glinting briefly. "Come on over- for both your sakes," he invited, and Lily knew she couldn't refuse. Firstly, Sirius would drag her kicking and screaming if she didn't oblige, and secondly, she would do anything to see James again. Even... even if what he said was true. Lily nodded, wiping her eyes again, and rose.  
  
"Where are you?" she questioned softly.  
  
"Godric's Hollow," Sirius replied. At Lily's confused expression, he sighed. "I'm sure he'll explain later," he added, before disappearing with a *pop*. Lily stared at the empty fireplace for a moment before grabbing a handful of floo powder and stepping into the fire.  
  
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Sirius glanced through the doorway to where James was still lying, unconscious, on the floor, and sighed. Lily was probably going to kick Sirius' butt for that, and James was undoubtedly going to the same. But... this wasn't something he could let go.  
  
He turned around at the sound of Lily arriving in the fireplace, and he helped her step out. Lily glanced around the room, confused, before turning to Sirius.  
  
"Where is he?" she asked, sniffing softly. Sirius smiled ruefully and gestured toward the living room. Lily stepped around Sirius and looked through the doorway, letting out a gasp. "What... what-" she stammered before Sirius replied.  
  
"Had to knock some sense into him," Sirius replied simply, ignoring the amazed glare that came from Lily. She quickly abandoned Sirius and ran to James, kneeling down beside his unconscious body.  
  
"James?" she whispered, running a hand through his hair. A lovely bruise was starting to appear on his cheek, spreading to a black-eye beneath his broken glasses, crooked on his face. Lily softly repaired them before replacing them on James' face, and she gazed worriedly at him for a few moments. Watching from the doorway, Sirius noticed James' eyes begin to flutter, and he held his breath as James opened his eyes and focused on Lily's face.  
  
"What are you doing here?" James demanded immediately, gazing up at Lily's tear-stained face.  
  
"Sirius called me," Lily replied simply, eyes welling up again. "Please... please tell me... you were lying," she begged softly. James looked away quickly, and Lily reached down and grabbed his chin determinedly.  
  
"Ow!" James exclaimed, and Lily readjusted her grip.  
  
"James. I... I need to know," Lily demanded, tears trickling down her cheeks.  
  
"I... I was telling the truth," James replied firmly, staring at the ceiling beyond Lily's head.  
  
"You liar!" Sirius exclaimed, glaring from the doorway. James gritted his teeth and shook his head.  
  
"Stay out of this, Sirius," he called, before returning to the matter at hand. "I'm sorry, Lily, but I do not love you anymore," he told her, eyes focused determinedly on the ceiling. Lily bit her lip as more tears flooded from her eyes and stained her cheeks silently.  
  
"God Damnit, James! Look at her! Look at her- she's crying! How can you tell her that- tell her that lie- when she's crying! How can you not comfort her, not feel for her, not cry along with her?!" Sirius hollered, still in the doorway, eyes flashing angrily and glistening. James kept his teeth gritted, not looking at anything. Lily found strength in Sirius' words, and swallowed the sob that wanted to come out.  
  
"Look at me, James. Look at me and tell me that, and I'll believe you. I'll believe you, I'll go away, and I'll never see you again," Lily told him, tears still streaming down her cheeks, but her voice steady and determined. James faltered for a moment, but quickly took a breath and turned his gaze to her.  
  
"Lily, I'm sorry, but I.... I... I..." James stammered, put off by the expression of pure misery and the tears on Lily's face. "I..." They stared at each other for a long moment, James expressionless, before Lily let out a quiet sob. James lost his battle, and tears began welling up in his eyes. "Oh, Lily, Lily," he murmured, a tear escaping down his cheek. "Come here," he whispered, reaching up and wrapping his arms around her. Looking dumbfounded, Lily slowly lowered down until she was pressed against his chest, and James tenderly kissed her head. "Lily..." he murmured again, and Lily began sobbing uncontrollably once more. "Oh, Lily!" James whispered, tears running down his cheeks to match Lily. With effort, he lifted himself, still holding Lily, until he was sitting, leaning against the couch, hugging Lily to his chest as he gently stroked her back.  
  
"James..." Lily murmured against his chest. "James, did you... were you telling the truth?" she whispered, pulling away to gaze into his eyes, her own eyes full of tears. James sniffed, shaking his head.  
  
"No, Lily... oh no, you... I could never stop loving you," he replied softly, and Lily smiled briefly before pressing back against James' chest and sobbing some more. James squeezed his eyes shut and hugged her tightly, his own cheeks matching her tear-stained ones. "I'm so sorry," he murmured, swaying slowly as he rested his cheek on her head. "I'm so sorry... Lily... can you ever forgive me?" Lily murmured a barely intelligible "yes", and James squeezed his eyes shut in an effort to stem the tears. Sirius sniffed, still standing in the doorway, and turned to go.  
  
"Sirius," James said softly, drawing his best friend back. "Thanks for the shiner," he said, sniffing, a small smile on his face. Sirius broke into a grin and nodded.  
  
"Any time," he replied, smiling, before turning and leaving. James watched Sirius exit for a moment before turning his attention back to Lily, still sniffing against his chest.  
  
"I love you, Lily. I love you more than anything- more than life, more than death, more than anything at all," he whispered, stroking her hair as tears trickled down his cheeks. Lily smiled against his chest before replying.  
  
"And I love you," she murmured, wrapping her arms around his waist and squeezing him as tightly as she could. "Even if you... even if you are a jerk sometimes." James chuckled, squeezing Lily tighter before closing his eyes and sighing as he slowly lowered his head down to rest on hers.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
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